This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
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You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer