Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
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When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!