You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
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married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Put this video in the Louvre
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Just this preview of the story is enough
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.