Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
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Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.