one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
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“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.