When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
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😲 WTF? 😆
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
And then there were 4
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.