The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
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Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*