Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
You Might Also Like
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.