“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
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Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room