Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
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I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I’m giving up for Lent.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
*seductively eats two tums*
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2