[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
You Might Also Like
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Cashiers are always checking me out
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher