I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
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Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.