Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
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“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Every time my phone rings
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
When your parents check you’re ok.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem