LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
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Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
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Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes