My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
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Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
incredible
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.