Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
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I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
それは草
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”