ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
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My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
What the hell happened in there??
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good