How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
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“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Breakfast for Stoners:
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.