Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
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Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.