Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot