Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
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[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Ferrari squats
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’