Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
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How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
God, I love Scotland
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze