Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
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I hate everything
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep