I think that’s enough internet for one day…
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[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.