When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
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West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.