I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
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Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?