seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
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The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?