*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
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The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Noah
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea