DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
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Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Venn
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point