[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
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It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT