no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.