My hips? Compulsive liars.
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Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!