Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
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[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
my mind
You just read my mind
Where is your GOD now????
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.