If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I think the cat got the dog high.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.