When someone asks if I have any hobbies
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The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
im all 3
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*