It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
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The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.