Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
You Might Also Like
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page