Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
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Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?