I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
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Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.