The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Breaking news:
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
6: are snakes just neck?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!