People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
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“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.