You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
You Might Also Like
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”