2022: I can fix it
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Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
so weird how every mom was born today
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.