Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
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[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
The Weeknd is back
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief