is this a warning or an offer?
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You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
waiting for halloween be like:
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Bike for sale
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons