When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
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People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes