Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
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Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I have a type: disappointing
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
…żyje?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
guys I’m going home
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.