Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
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If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
🍞🦆
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…