Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
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6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
So we got a goldfish…
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.