Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
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Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.